October 31, 2010

The requisite report from the Rally for Sanity and/or Fear

Yes, that was the full official title, as you well know if you witnessed the tremendous Three-Way Finale at the last Big Quiz Thing. Now then…

As I'm sure you've heard, a lot of people weren't able to fully experience the rally as they'd hoped. I cruised down stupid early Saturday morning (left Brooklyn at 5:30am), reached the National Mall at noon, just as the event officially began and the Roots took the stage. For the first two hours, my friends and I were jammed in at the very edges and fairly far back, standing shoulder to shoulder (zero exaggeration) with a weak view of one JumboTron and the semicapability to hear what was going on onstage (none of Stewart and Colbert's jokes really connected with me, although I did follow the whole Cat Stevens–Ozzy Osbourne "Peace Train"–"Crazy Train" battle, and even predicted the appearance of the O'Jays to sing "Love Train"). Disappointing, yes, but others had worse (some friends gave up after spending 45 minutes on a Metro platform, unable to cram onto a train), and it was still a pleasant, politically energizing experience. We left after two hours, wandering around the periphery, taking in the crowd.

Typical me, I didn't take a whole lot of photos, but highlights nonetheless…

Clever.
Apparently, there were a lot of "only Hitler is Hitler" signs, but this was the best I saw.

Adults only, please.

Right next to me while I was packed in.

The view from the Capitol.

A handful of guys passed by me in robo-President outfits; the big guns plus, for some reason, Polk, who's a sentimental favorite of mine. "Young Hickory 3000," I called him.

October 29, 2010

They really knew how to write an insult in them olden days

As we come into the final stretch of political season, we come into the final stretch of political satire season. Perhaps you've seen this…



The key, of course, is that pretty much every word here is historical fact: These were actual verifiable insults slung between Adams and Jefferson (and Hamilton) in the insanely bitter 1800 presidential election. Like today, it seemed like a lot was at stake; when Jefferson did win, it was the first time the presidency changed party hands, and no one knew if this still-audacious governmental experiment could withstand it. So people were a little overheated; the rancor in those days, today's discourse seems like an episode of The Waltons. What we should really be upset about is how uncreative our current politicians are.

Take heart: Adams and Jefferson later became great friends. Besides, Jerry Brown is going to win!

October 28, 2010

Monday: Trivia and juggling, together again


Give it up for Brooklyn: Monday night, 8pm, I'm once again taking part in Bindlestiff Open Variety, the monthly show of grab-bag performance delights presented by everyone's favorite traveling circus folk, the Bindlestiff Family Circus. Last time, I shared the stage with a unicyclist, a knife juggler, and a comedian, and the best part was, they were all the same guy.

I'm planning to whip out some Breakfast Cereal Haiku for a few lucky volunteers; these one-man quickie performances are always a barrel of fun, and a great spicy side dish to any variety show (read: hire me). The venue is Galapagos Art Space, in Dumbo, which is exceedingly beautiful, and just may be—may be—a future BQT venue. Stay tuned.

October 27, 2010

Recap: Now you know about psychos visiting your home and Scooby-Doo as a werewolf

Sorry this is late. Going to keep it honest: This was our last night at the Midtown Theatre. I know, we'd announced a November 9 date there, but this place is just not working for us, for a variety of reasons. You people are awesome for following us there, of course, but that's it. Besides, I hate carting my quiz gear through Times Square. Fuck that non-naked non-cowboy.

Despite venue complexities, it was a straight-between-the-eyes solid quiz. My favorite entry from Brand Name Bonanza:
I love that shit.

The quiz was on the challenging side, I admit. So let me use this space to educate. For the "Werewolves on TV" four-parter, the hardest entry was "Sherman Fangsworth." What TV show featured said werewolf?…



I forgot how influential Scooby-Doo was (maybe easily replicable is more like it).

One question that I think stumped everyone—and I admit to being shocked by this—was "The cheesy TV commercial for local car-buying service Big Bucks Auto quite amusingly boasts, 'No costly ads or BLANKs coming to your home.'" Really? You've never noticed this?



BQT consumer tip of the day: Don't make any multi-thousand-dollar business transaction with a company that thinks the plural of ad is ad's.

Speaking of which, I also had a "Dictionary Neighbors" four-parter: I name two words in Merriam-Webster's, you tell me the one entry in between them. Definitely tricky (though both the teams that aced it told me it was too easy, ha ha). The toughest: What word comes between lagging and lagomorph? Great word—try to use it in conversation in the next couple days.

The shortest-live Monster Cereal? Not Quentin Tarantino's beloved Fruit Brute; but rather this…



How does one's tummy go yummy? The tummy has neither taste buds nor vocal cords. I'm overthinking this, aren't I?

Now, the Three-Way Finale: hot new format. By popular request, I announced a category for the finale; in this edition, next week's election. I had plenty more I didn't get to use, mostly useless in a couple weeks. I'm such a sucker.

And it was Gerard Depardouche vs. Sugah Titz vs. a BQT portmanteau supergroup, Incontinental Strippers. Election trivia galore; the most exciting moment was when both Matt of IncontStrip and Dennis of the 'Douche garbled the full official name of the rally happening this Saturday on the National Mall, creating an opening for Sugah Titter Kristin to score the point.

But Matt (who, incidentally, told me he knew of all Brand Name Bonanza cold since he's a trademark lawyer) took it all by naming one of the two lost-cause Republican nominees for Senate from New York. Joe DioGuardi wins!

The standings:
1. Incontinental Strippers: Man, that's going to be a bitch making a returning-champions graphic for them.
2. Gerard Depardouche/Sugah Titz (tie)
4. Jefferson Davis Starship
5. Marie Antoinette Dodson
6. Grand Theft Autoerotica
7. Charlie Sheen's Angels/Strippers for Noah Tarnow (tie)
9. Jews Against Jesus
10. The Noah Is Too Damn High Party

As for the future: We are working very hard to end the venue jumping, but it probably won't be till 2011. Tricky days. We are definitely back at Crash Mansion on Monday, December 13; that show will be extra exciting, but I'll tell more in due time, in this space. Till then, we have the Google-Proof Question of the Day on Twitter, we're back in Boston November 8, and we're ramping up for private-party season; hook us up with your office party, and you get in free to the BQT throughout 2011 (booking@bigquizthing.com!). And thank you…

October 26, 2010

Tonight's NOT-SO-SECRET SECRET CLUE

Yes indeed, kids: Another Not-So-Secret Secret Clue, for handy-dandy use at tonight's BQT (back at the Midtown Theatre). And here we go…

Arriba y arriba!

I believe this is the first ever NSSSC in a language other than English; I'll have my research team get right on confirmation of that. But be warned, tonight's BQT just might challenge your linguistic skills. 7:30pm, only $7, $250 in cash prizes, it's on.

October 23, 2010

Back to Back to the Future

As you are perhaps aware, to commemorate 25 years since the release of Back to the Future, it's been rereleased in theaters for an extremely limited time (today and Monday only, I believe). Just got home from an unnecessarily early Saturday-at-12:30pm screening.

This movie is so great. Great, great, great. I always loved it, have seen it a million times, but revisiting it on the big screen renewed my appreciation for it. It's full of so much that makes movies great: funny, exciting, original, well directed and acted, everything. The makeup is a travesty, but otherwise, this is why we care about Hollywood in the first place,

I took notes during the screening—because yes, I am that kind of nerd—and here are some more specific thoughts. I will spare no spoiler:
— Despite the fact that I've seen the movie several trillion times, the first ten minutes felt oddly unfamiliar: I realized that I haven't seen it countless times, as much as I've caught it on TV while flipping through channels and decided to stop and watch it out of the corner of my eye countless times. Thus, the whole beginning sequence, with Marty playing his guitar mondo loud in Doc's laboratory (which, strangely, is next door to a Burger King) and then auditioning for the talent show, seemed fresh. It plays up the minor subplot of Marty feeling as if no one appreciated his musical talent, giving a lot more resonance to his "Johnny B. Goode" performance later on—which, correct me if I'm wrong, is intended to show that no, Marty really isn't an especially talented musician. But hey, who cares, he got to travel through time in a fucking DeLorean.

By the way, in case you forgot, the audition scene (Marty's band is called the Pinheads?) features a chuckleworthy cameo from Huey Lewis, as the stuffy teach presiding over Marty & Co. playing a version of "The Power of Love" (not a bad little '80s rock song, in hindsight). Yet in the world of BTTF, Huey Lewis is clearly a rock star, as proved by the Sports poster on Marty's bedroom wall. Do the students at the high school comment how much that teacher looks like Huey Lewis? I'm reminded of an idea for a movie I've nursed for years: the story of a schlubby loser who looks uncannily like Jack Nicholson, and has to deal with people commenting on that fact constantly. The gimmick, of course, is that the part is played by Jack Nicholson. I'm getting off track here.

— Principal Strickland (played by excellently faced character actor James Tolkan) calls Marty, his dad and nearly everyone else "slacker"; my first viewing of BTTF was was definitely the first time I heard the epithet. Years later, it became emblematic of my generation, evidenced by its title use for Richard Linklater's first film, in 1991. Is this film responsible for its brief moment of near ubiquity? Wikipedia suggests so, noncommittally (is there any other way for Wikipedia?).

— This film is marvelously well cast. Michael J. Fox—there's an actor with star power. Looking back, considering the barn-burner careers of his castmates, Fox bears 96% of the responsibility for Family Ties' runaway success (another 2% is the slightly interesting gimmick of hippies having '80s-stereotype kids; another 2% is credited to Tom Hanks's portrayal of alcoholic Uncle Ned). As I remember it, Fox was the first choice to play Marty, but couldn't fit it in with his FT schedule, so the studio went with Eric Stoltz. They shot a lot of footage with the erstwhile Rocky Dennis, some of which has recently seen the light of day on the new DVD/Blu-ray release of the film. Weird:



No dis to Stoltz (he carries one of my favorite scenes of one of my favorite movies), but they were right, he didn't have the magic for this role. Michael J. Fox had the perfect physicality for this part—think about that unique way he walks around in a daze through the square of 1955 Hill Valley—and he nailed the mix of comedy and adventure that this movie thrives on.

The rest of the cast was right there with him: Great work from Crispin Glover, Lea Thompson, and Thomas F. Wilson (what a perfect bully—other than Freaks and Geeks, what became of that guy? ). And Christopher Lloyd; this film is simply unimaginable with anyone else in that role. What an entrance he makes, too: We hear his voice on the phone a couple times, but it's not until he emerges from the DeLorean that we actually see him, the wild-eyed, frizzy-haired yet lovable mad scientist, in the throes of joy over his success. "If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour...you're gonna see some serious shit."


— As indicated above, the makeup is horrible. Sorry, Ken Chase, but it's almost painful to look at Glover, Thompson and Wilson in the 1985 scenes; they look like they're in a college theater production of Medea. Yes, those scenes are a little silly to begin with, but it's a glaring deficiency in a movie that otherwise hits a solid bull's-eye in visual effects. (Thankfully, they dodged the issue with Christopher Lloyd by hardly changing his character's appearance, which somehow works for a lunatic like him.)

— Before the Libyans attack, Doc is planning to travel 25 years in the future, to today. He delights in imagining the marvels he'll see there, but I have to wonder if Doc would be disappointed in what's changed between 1985 and today. How different would 2010 Hill Valley look to him? (Let's assume he sees our 2010, and not the theoretical 2010 suggested by the 2015 of Back to the Future II). Clothing and car styles are different, everyone's fiddling with some kind of portable electronic device, but cosmetically, I'm not sure the differences would be striking. Even noncosmetically—sure, we have the Internet now, but how different is life really? No flying cars, after all.

I was amused by the scene in which Marty first finds Doc in 1955 and tells him that Ronald Reagan is the President in 1985. "The actor?" Doc says disbelievingly. "Who's vice president, Jerry Lewis?" (I recall all the grown-ups in the crowd loving that line when I saw it in the theater in '85; I had only a vague idea who Jerry Lewis was.) "I suppose Jane Wyman is first lady." (Which I totally didn't get at the time, but doesn't really make sense, since in '55, Reagan was seven years divorced from Wyman, and three years married to Nancy Davis. Maybe Doc just wasn't paying attention Hollywood gossip.) I started imaging this scene if the film were remade today: Marty of 2010 talking to Doc of 1990:

"Then tell me, 'Future Boy,' who's President in the United States in 2010?"
"Barack Obama."
"'Barack Obama'? You just made that up! What language are you even speaking?"

Similarly, Marty tells his mother's father that a certain street is called John F. Kennedy Drive, and Grandpa replies, "Who the hell is John F. Kennedy?" At the time, JFK was hardly unknown: His 1940 publication of his senior Harvard thesis, Why England Slept, was a moderate best-seller, and he'd been in Congress for almost eight years, three of them in the Senate. But an average guy in California, just having bought his first TV, couldn't be expected to know the name of a Senator in Massachusetts; it was the following year when JFK gained real national exposure, publishing (but not really writing) Profiles in Courage and nearly getting the Democratic nod for Vice President.

— This movie is hilarious, and Doc gets the lion's share of great laugh lines. This exchange really entertained the crowd:

"Wait a minute, Doc, are you trying to tell me that my mother has got the hots for me?"
"Precisely."
"Whoa, this is heavy."
"There's that word again, 'heavy.' Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the earth's gravitational pull?"

There's also his almost offhanded apology to Marty for "the crudity of this model," after he's built an exacting replica of Hill Valley to demonstrate how they'll send the DeLorean back to '85. The wacky scientist is a Hollywood trope that was well past its sell-by date in 1985, but Christopher Lloyd did it as good as anyone ever.

— This movie is pretty exciting. The scene in which Marty goes back in time, the car/skateboard chase that ends with Biff crashing into the manure truck, the climactic moment when, by hook or by crook, Doc manages to send Marty back home: You never know what will happen next. I'm envious of anyone seeing this for the first time, savoring that great feeling of being confident that our heroes will get out of the pickle they're in, but having no idea how. (One of the many great, great things about Toy Story 3 last summer, BTW.)

— Everyone in '55 rags on Marty's sleeveless puffy vest—what did we call those things?—asking him if he jumped ship, why he was wearing a life preserver, etc. It occurred to me that he looks just as silly from a 2010 perspective: We've come full circle with sleeveless-puffy-vest fashion.

— Finally, I never before considered the absolute wealth of grist for Freudian analysis here. Cowriter Bob Gale has claimed that the idea of the film came to him while musing whether he'd be friends with his dad if they were in high school together. He teamed up with Robert Zemeckis, who considered the character of the prudish mom who was secretly a slut in high school, and boom: We got ourselves a wholly original, slightly disturbing Hollywood plot. Every studio rejected the film at first: too Oedpial for the teen-sex-comedy genre, too Oedipal for the family-film genre. (It only got due attention after Zemeckis had a hit directing Romancing the Stone.)

This is another place where Michael J. Fox's talent is key: Has there ever been a scene like the one between Marty and Lorraine parked in the car outside the dance? "Lorraine, have you ever been in a situation where you knew you were supposed to act a certain way, but when you got there, you didn't know if you could go through with it?" Of course we all have, but not this. Just try to imagine yourself in Marty's position, with your own mom (or dad); Fox nails the nervous, gawky teen persona. That's acting, my friends. I think the remixing here is actually pretty funny:



This is why the BTTF sequels—enjoyable and clever as they are—don't approach the genius of the original, since they don't have that one wholly original plot concept (kid travels to the past and his mom falls in love with him instead of his dad) to carry them through. Never underestimate the value of a good idea.

Finally, possibly the best line in the movie:


October 21, 2010

The ketchup packet: Art medium of the future

This morning, hiding in the Dunkin' Donuts bag with my egg and cheese on a bagel, I found these:
First of all, why was I given three ketchup packets with an egg and cheese sandwich? Are there really people who eat such a combination? Of course there are; people eat anything, and I once knew a dude who put ketchup on his scrambled eggs. But he also lived in a rusted-out luncheonette, so this can't possibly be common enough to warrant the DD employee assuming I'd want ketchup. Come to think of it, why does Dunkin' Donuts even have ketchup? And why, after hundreds of visits to Dunkin' Donuts and thousands of times seeing the sign throughout NYC, is it still the case that every time I hear/read the name "Dunkin' Donuts," I mentally say the name backward: "Stunod Niknud." Jokes from age 14 die very, very hard.

Anyway, these pictures made me smile, especially the roller coaster one—I like to imagine what would be the particulars of a Heinz Ketchup amusement park ride. Apparently, it's not bad, because those anthropomorphic tomatoes and bottles seem to be having an awfully good time (and the sun approves). Either that or they're terrified, because the car has no apparent seat restraints and they're about to experience a wicked-looking drop.

The lobster one is kind of blowing my mind—it took me a while to make out what it's supposed to be, and I can't begin to understand what inspired it. I can't stop staring at it. And while the center tomato bonanza isn't nearly as clever, it shares the others' delightful aesthetic.

You can barely see it in that photo, but each packet has the name of a kid and his/her school and hometown. Apparently, this is part of Heinz's Ketchup Creativity contest; they sent out the call for kids to send in ketchup-packet designs and the best not only became reality (with what's obviously serious brushing up by professionals), they also earned the kids, and their schools, cash and prizes.

A few more I found on the Web:
Yeah, that far left one is creepy if you think about it.

I like this—the packets are fun to look at, it's rewarding kids in a nice way, and it encourages our youngsters to consume corn-syrup-laden food products. That's what I call a net gain.

October 19, 2010

Tom Bosley, 1927–2010

Yep, Mr. C went to that hardware store in the sky (heart failure, not the Big C, which would have been sadly appropriate). Happy Days was a huge part of my formative years—it's not so much that I loved the show, but rather that it seemed to be a baseline element of the culture I found myself growing up in. It was comforting—oh, for a world in which the coolest guy in town is a sanitized greaser who was polite to grown-ups and stuck up for the school geeks. That show, indeed, was yours and mine.

Tom Bosley was basically the TV dad of my early televisual experiences—I just look at his face and I feel an instant wave of familiarity, oddly similar to seeing my actual dad's face (without the complicated psycho-paternal undertones). His voice, too—in my mind, I can hear his "Ya know, Fonzie…" as clear as if it were still 1958-by-way-of-1982. When's the last time you saw one of these?



Whoever was the mid-'80s Don Draper who convinced the Glad Corporation to shell out for the Boz as their pitchman, I hope that guy got a big fat bonus, because you could not have found a better pitchman for that product than that guy. You've got no hope of making trash bags sexy—reliability is the key, with the chance to throw in some humor. The Big Bosman was not pretty, no, but he effortlessly came across as the nicest guy in the world, and as the über–sitcom dad, he maintained an air of comforting authority. He was perfect for a product whose looks don't matter, but that needs to be strong in the clutch. And Tommy B. was a good enough actor (Tony winner!), you don't doubt for a second that if he trusts Glad, you could trust it too. Bosley's Law, my friends…

After HD folded (I recall about ten years ago, an interview in which he was asked when he believes Happy Days jumped the shark; he said it was when Ron Howard left, a reasonable answer), the Bosmaster settled into happy character-actor-hood. The Father Dowling Mysteries was a midsize hit (irony: T.B. was Jewish), and he popped up in all manner of family-friendly fare. Good for him—he seemed like a genuinely decent guy. He was married twice; his first wife died in 1978, he remarried two years later and stayed with her till the end. Evidence that you don't have to be a raging douchebag to be a success in Hollywood.

I'm not going to bother posting a video from Happy Days here; too many to choose from, and you know how to use YouTube. But here's an amazing fact: More than 26 years after it left the air, I believe this is the first significant Happy Days casualty. Yes, Marion Ross is still alive, Ron Howard runs part of Hollywood, Henry Winkler and Scott Baio still turn up on a typical scan through the cable channels. I just checked, and Erin Moran, Donny Most and Anson Williams are all still in the land of living, as are both Chuck Cunninghams. Even Al Molinaro, who's up there with Bozzy Bosbourne as one of my all-time favorite character actors, is alive, 91 years young. I guess you have to go down to Pat Morita to find another dead member of the Milwaukee gang, but his Miyagi-san legacy has basically obscured his days of Arnoldhood. Sit on it, death.

That's it, I'm getting married

Only to have this cake:

Ladies?

I'm glad they made room for Aquaman (who yes, is a "real" superhero, not just an Entourage plot device).

More blogging soon…

October 12, 2010

Recap: The Square of the Times

So…Times Square. Midtown Theatre. Home of the sizzling Power Balladz. What do you think? It looks like we'll be coming back in two weeks, Tuesday, October 26; they were happy with us, and the space had its charms. As you know, we're in a strange venue limbo at the moment (venue limbo—where the Justice League banishes the evil venues from parallel earths), so tallying up the pros and cons, I think it's worth an encore. (Though we do hope to be back on Monday in the near future.)

Tonight's quiz really kicked into gear in the Three-Way Finale. (I'm cutting to the chase here.) Sugah Titz vs. Gerard Depardouche vs. Jefferson Davis Starship—returning champs Strippers for Stephen Hawking missed it by half a point (and the second best trivia team in the city, the Fat Kids, came in sixth). Two ladies on the stage—Jonathan, one quarter of NYC trivia champs Fuckface Murray Abraham, stepped aside for his JD Starship teammate for the evening Eileen. It's high-pressure up there—nobody knew who, unsurprisingly, was last in his class at West Point in 1861, nobody was aware of the game that, in 2008, Aerosmith became the first band to get its own edition of (I'm sorry, "Aerosmith Trivial Pursuit" is about the most tedious game I can imagine). I refused to give Douchemaster Buck full credit for his answer to the question of who has overtaken Mayor Bloomberg to be the richest New Yorker (he's got, like, five billionaire brothers), and after a long post-asking-the-question pause, JDSite Eileen came from behind with the correct response to "A Paulistano is a citizen of which of the ten largest cities on earth?
" (That question would probably be easier in print than verbally. Ah, the Three-Way Finale!)

That was the finale. Backtrack: The video round, "Rhymes with 'Trivial,'" was harder than I thought it would be—this gimmick is the essence of figureoutability, and I'm convinced you all would've gotten 18–20 points if you had a good long sit with those questions. But such is not the nature of the Big Quiz Thing. You got to be quick to come up with the rhyming couplet that equals "A noted British atheist’s rewritten version of a controversial children’s book about a naked boy and three bakers." Nonetheless, hats off to Gerard Depardouche for a daunting 19 points—that's why they're finalists, people.

Plus, hey—they scored the best Smart-Ass Point of the night! For "What character has been played on Mad Men by three different actors?" (yeah, yeah, that question has a couple problems), they wrote "Darrin Stephens." Ha!

And the audio round, "Buy Some Coke!," was about the drink, not the drug (though considering we were in Times Square, maybe the drug would've been more apropos). I thought that part from "Institutionalized" where he screams about Pepsi was a pretty clever addition.

Your winners:
The standings:
1. Jefferson Davis Starship
2. Gerard Depardouche/Sugah Titz (well-earned tie)
4. Strippers for Stephen Hawking
5. Incontinental Congress
6. Fat Kids Play Hide and Go Eat
7. Team! The Musical
8. Oh Noah You Didn't!: Victory, as far as they're concerned.
9. The Cunning Stunts
10. The Well-Enbrowed

Two weeks, back at Midtown Theatre. Come on down!

Yes! The NOT-SO-SECRET SECRET CLUE

It has returned: We got a Not-So-Secret Secret Clue for tonight. Use it when I give the word at this special Tuesday-evening show, 7:30pm at the Midtown Theatre

You need it while scuba diving.

Intriguing, no? See you tonight

October 8, 2010

Unusuable factoid of the day: Superman's boss for governor of Texas

Great Caesar's ghost! There probably is a way to make a question out of this one, but I'm giving up after five minutes…

Take a look at this; details from the current race for governor down in Texas:
Incumbent Governor Rick "Secede!" Perry (currently the second-longest-serving governor in the nation, by only six days) has a healthy lead over the Democratic nominee, former Houston mayor Bill White. It's Perry vs. White. Which makes me think of this guy…
Editor-in-chief of The Daily Planet, Superman's boss, Perry White.

Or if you want to go back to the movies…
Jackie Cooper, by the way, is still the youngest ever Oscar nominee for a lead performance.

Perry vs. White in Texas: pointless, but interesting. This of course reminds me of the 2002 Senate race in Wyoming, when incumbent Alistair Jimmy was defeated by challenger Millicent Olsen. Or how about the 1874 race for county commissioner in northwestern Iowa, when Nicholas Matthew Lori barely managed to fend off Whitelaw Lemaris? Ah, good times…

October 5, 2010

Crappy song vs. crappier song

Have you ever had the barest wisp of a thought set off a chain reaction that leads you down an Internet spiral? A passing musing touches off a certain half-buried memory; a quick google later and you're absorbed in many pointless minutes of Web surfing and time wasting.

Such happened to me yesterday. I can't even recall what the match was exactly that lit the fuse, but suddenly I had Rick Springfield on the brain. (True confession: As a young child, I confused him with Bruce Springsteen. Common enough—Springfield even had a minor hit song on the subject—but for some ungodly reason, I confused them both with Dan Fogelberg.) Springfield is a common punching bag among rock snobs, but if you take a few minutes to actually listen to his music, you realize that yes, he actually does suck. Fine, "Jessie's Girl" is dumb fun, but there's a reason why you can hardly remember any other of his massive hit songs. (This is a very credible contender for my "worst song ever" award.) Springfield seems like a good guy, but he was just not very talented, and managed to largely coast by on his soap-opera good lucks—literally; he was a soap star before he hit big on the charts. The fact that he always sounded like he was trying too hard to prove his hard-rock cred only makes his music more awkward and pitiful.

So I thought of Rick Springfield, and then I thought of Kristina. Several years ago, I had a girlfriend by that name, and I told her that Rick Springfield had a song about her name—same spelling and everything. (How I remembered this, I have no clue.) "Kristina" was on the same album as "Don't Talk to Strangers," so zillions of people must have heard it at some point, though I hadn't in an age. But my GF—who, how shall I put this, wasn't exactly compatible with me in terms of musical taste—rushed out and bought the CD, and bounced along happily as we listened to "her" song, again and again, during a road trip. Here you go:



The standard Springfieldian problems: sloppy musicianship, boneheaded lyrics ("I can make love a work of art!"), the sound of a man expending too much energy in all the wrong ways, and a complete lack of understanding of how to properly use keyboards in a rock song. (Here's the all-time best example. Maybe this too.) It is the ultimate irony that anyone confused him with Bruce; he was perhaps the anti-Springsteen.

But yesterday, revisiting this song, I suddenly remembered something: This was a rip-off. Maybe not a rip-off, but definitely a bizarre reworking. As a young teenager, I'd been a moderate fan of —brace yourselves—Bachman-Turner Overdrive (even before I moved to Canada). I've since gotten over that, although "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" and "Let It Ride" are not without their charms. But I suddenly recalled, hiding at the very end of side two of BTO's Greatest Hits, there's a song called "Jamaica." Compare and contrast:



This was from the 1979 album Rock n' Roll Nights, post the departure of linchpin Randy Bachman (whom, by the way, I would give a full-throated defense of, if only because he was in the Guess Who). This was BTO's swan song, a halfhearted attempt to inject some glam elements into their hard rock, and while "Jamaica" has a decent hook and the band is musically capable, it's pretty dopey. And lead vocalist Jim Clench sounds unnervingly like Ozzy Osbourne. Still, I think this is miles better than "Kristina." That's how much Rick Springfield sucks—he can't even cover a Bachman-Turner Overdrive deep-album cut without fucking it up.

Curious, I researched this odd confluence. "Jamaica" is credited to songwriter Jim Vallance, while "Kristina" is officially by Vallance and Springfield himself, who clearly rewrote the lyrics. Vallance has written songs for a pretty impressive array of pop names from the late '70s/early '80s, Canadian and otherwise, but he's perhaps best known for taking Bryan Adams to the top. His fingerprints are on several of Adams's biggest hits, and in fact I ran across his name while researching a question from last summer's BQT Summer Fun Spectacular; it seems when Bry was going around telling people that "Summer of '69" was about the sex position and not the year, Vallance argued otherwise. His account, per his official site.

Then, I poked around Vallance's site to see what he had to say about "Kristina." He doesn't seem upset about it at all (he probably made a shitload of money off it, after all); he even lists Springfield's full dumb-ass lyrics. I was surprised, but then I realized something—it's not like Jim Vallance was writing tunes for the Clash. Am I really surprised that a guy who made his bones writing for BTO and Bryan Adams liked a Rick Springfield song?

This is the problem with falling down an Internet spiral What kind of underworld of pop-music mediocrity had I ensconced myself in? Back to the good stuff then.