Present!

I've been reading a little about the Census. Our government's been at it since 1790, you know; the first one under the supervision of then–Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson. In the old days, there were no actual questions about race; the Census rep, who visited each home in person, simply recorded the race based on his/her (probably his) observation. And to account for incomplete data, the number crunchers in the bureau utilize something known as "hot-deck imputation," which is almost certainly the title of a Census-themed porn movie somewhere out there.

And now, thanks to the Census, here's what the U.S. government knows about me:

— My address. Don't you know? I live on Park Avenue in the 60s, with Willis and Arnold.

— I live alone. I was surprised that with all the caveats and provisos, the form didn't specify that you should not include pets in your household head count. My cat was staring at me rather inquisitively as I filled out the form, a moment when it was especially hard not to anthropomorphize her. There are many, many American citizens more deluded than I, so guarantee that some lunatic will attempt to declare his canary to be an official resident.

— No one will be staying with me on April 1, 2010, though it's a Thursday night, so you never know, maybe I'll get lucky.

— I own my home. Well, a cold, heartless bank owns my home. But that's the American way.

— My telephone number: 555-555-5555. Again, I live with Arnold and Willis.

— My name: Tarnow, Noah, I.

— I am A MAN!!!!!!!!

— My age and date of birth. 34, b. 07/14/1975. You probably guessed pretty close, though, right?

— I am not Hispanic. This is immaterial to my race. That's all well and good—anyone can be from anywhere—but let's be honest, the only reason they ask this question is because so many people consider it to be a racial designation. And are there really that many Hispanic Guamanians? (I don't know, maybe there thousands of them; I make the same assumption as most people, that there are, like, seven people in all of Guam.)

— I am white, though I strongly considered filling in "Some other race." (I was going to write "hipster dufus.") I don't care that much, but it slightly bothers me that "white" is the catchall for "not any of these other, clearly more interesting things." The Census distinguishes between Chamorro and Samoan, and among various American Indian groups—as it should. But I, the New Jersey–born, part-Canadian Jew, product of eight Semitic immigrants from the shetls of Eastern Europe, am racially identical to Shitkicker McGee from Texarkana. Yeah, okay.

— I do not "sometimes live or stay someplace else." This is strictly not accurate. I sometimes stay with friends, I sometimes stay with my family when I visit them, I sometimes stay in a hotel room on vacation. I once slept in a Dunkin' Donuts, for fuck's sake. But I figured that this was the answer the U.S. government would want me to submit. See, I know how those bureaucrats think.

That's it. I am here. I've been counted. Move along…

Recap: Blame it on "The Rain"

Wait…she was in the Marines?

Last night's BQT started 30 minutes late. Why? Late-'90s rap star Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott. It seems Missy and her crew had Crash Mansion reserved from 2 to 7pm, to film some kind of showcase/promo/whatever. Unfortunately, the performance itself didn't begin until 6:50pm (EDP claims it was quite spectacular, though). We didn't get into the space till 7:30, of course, but that's showbiz. Hip-hop people running behind schedule, will wonders never cease?

However, as Missy et al. were clearing out and we were setting up, she did ask what was happening next, someone told her "a quiz show," and she did say "that's cool." The BQT: Misdemeanor-approved.

As for the quiz itself, there was a vague St. Patrick's Day theme of course, with "The Mixology Mindbender" (it's a Moscow Mule, not a Paris Mule; and I'm sorry if the bit about dipping your areola in glycerin creeped you out), plus the "Land of Ire" audio round: We've proved the old adage that it is physically impossible to hear even a ten-second snippet of House of Pain's "Jump Around" with actually throwing your hands in the air, and waving them like you just don't care. In between, the usual grab bag of trivial delights: comedy-movie Presidents, the Census, sperm whales, the Two Coreys (RIP/2), Breakin' 2, the final words heard on The Sopranos, and the animals that Ozzy Osbourne publicly bit the heads off of. You learn so much at the Big Quiz Thing.

And the finale! Some debating over proper bell etiquette, but again, quite the nail-biter. Steve of Fantastic Fournicators knew that the Bangles used to be the Bangs, John of Strippers for Stephen Hawking was aware that the musical Sugar was adapted from Some Like It Hot, and no one knew what Harlem political icon preceded Charlie Rangel in Congress (Malcolm X? Really?). Yet once again, Anthony of Jefferson Davis Starship pulled out a come-from-behind victory, with "A popular singer-songwriter and a Democratic senator from Illinois who was a candidate for President shared what first and last name?" and "What magazine’s 1925 debut issue featured a cover picture of its fictional mascot, Eustace Tilly?" Well-done, glasses-wearing white men!

The standings:

1. Jefferson Davis Starship
2. Fantastic Fournicators/Strippers for Stephen Hawking (tie)
4. Sugah Titz
5. Gerard Depardouche/Mechanically Separated Chicken (tie)
7. Cunning Stunts
8. The Audiophobes/Incontinental Congress (tie)
10. Oh Noah You Didn't

NEXT SHOW: We're back not in two but three weeks (dodging Passover; thanks for booing that fact, that's really classy). April 5, again at Crash. We'll be sticking with Crash until May; beyond that, we'll keep you posted. Onward! [Sound of whip cracking]

Tonight's NOT-SO-SECRET SECRET CLUE!

This is so, so awesome.

Tonight's Not-So-Secret Secret Clue is…

A story about multiple municipalities.

What, of what, could it be? Pretty much only one way to find out: Come to the show tonight. Or tomorrow, ask a friend who went. Or ask me tomorrow. But I'd rather you come to the show: Crash Mansion, 199 Bowery, 7:30pm. Wa-hoo.

And again, the picture has nothing to do with it. The letter M, you see.

NT's greatest hits, no. 25 (of 34)

And here we go…

"Venus" by Television

This album, this band—way too cool for me. The summer of 1996 was my first extended exposure to NYC, when I slept on a cracked-leather couch in a vermin-infested apartment on St. Marks Place, fending off crack dealers on my block, interning in the fabulous world of music journalism, hitting live-music hovels four, five nights a week. It was a time, I tell ya. But I wasn't remotely as cool as that makes me sound—I wasn't doing drugs, I wasn't having sex. Once a geek, always a geek.

I had heard about Television—one of the seminal bands of NYC's classic punk scene, centered at the now-defunct (and by 1996, already irrelevant) CBGB. How they were dark and arty, how you had to consider their debut album, Marquee Moon, among the greatest works of art known to mankind if you wanted to be a real New York rock & roll sophisticate. So one evening that summer, I popped into Sounds records on St. Marks between Second and Third and bought the CD (yes…) for $9.99.

I usually hate music that I'm "supposed" to like. I spent much of the late '90s fending off constant refrains about the unparalleled genius of Radiohead, which is aural NyQuil as far as I'm concerned. So I was a bit surprised how much I loved Marquee Moon, how satisfying it was in its darkness and artiness, how—yes, dammit—Tom Verlaine and Richard Lloyd were indeed mesmerizing guitar players. Cool. I was especially taken with track No. 2, "Venus." Verlaine's cracked and quavering voice, threaded through a double helix of slinky guitar. The melody was almost jaunty, but still in the shadows; cryptic imagery setting a weird NYC nighttime scene. Was I feeling low? Huh? (The answer, at the time, was yes.) This song is too cool for me.

Incidentally, I was in Paris about five years ago, and naturally visited the Louvre. At least at the time, they have the Venus de Milo situated at the end of a long corridor, so that you can see it well before you reach it, walking slowly toward it, the image of the imposing statue gradually growing larger as you draw closer. I walked this path slowly, purposefully, Television's tight musical fantasia running through my brain. Music, sculpture and architecture in perfect harmony—this is why people like art.



More of NT's greatest hits: "Dead Man's Curve," "Message in a Bottle," "Emily Kane," "Born to Run," "Shake Some Action," "Chips Ahoy!," "Radio, Radio," "Could You Be the One?," "Summer in the City," "Teenage Kicks," "Strawberry Fields Forever, " "Tunnel of Love," "I Get Around," "Local Girls," "Don't Let's Start," "Suffragette City," "See-Saw," "My Name Is Jonas," "Mr. Tambourine Man," "Reelin' in the Years," "Objects of My Affection" and "Crimson and Clover," "OK Apartment" and "Just What I Needed"

The World's Greatest Oscar Trivia!

As promised at last night's BQT, we got the World's Greatest Oscar Trivia, right here, fresh, hot and Meryl Streeperrific.

Click on the link at the lower right, or go to bigquizthing.com and click on the upper right to download the PDF. Pass it out at your party, play alone at home (not like that), give it to a friend as a really, really cheap present. How cheap? Absolutely free!

Recap: Less hair, more fun

All right, so at tonight's BQT, I debuted my new look: I now have (almost) no hair (on my head). As I mostly explained at the show:

— I am not sick.
— It was sort of a spur-of-the-moment thing. I'm not sold on it yet.
— It'll save me money, since I spend $200–$300 a month on styling product.
— Perhaps I'm trying to emulate EDP, or at least King Kong Bundy.
— Since my quizmaster job involves a lot of sitting on stage leaning over pieces of paper, my extant bald spot was receiving more exposure than most bald spots. So drastic measures were perhaps called for.

Regardless, it didn't get in the way of an excellent, excellent show, despite DJ GB's absence (she was sick, but thankfully nothing to worry about). Still loving (Le) Poisson Rouge, though this was our final edition there for at least a couple of months; we're back at Crash Mansion in two weeks (3/15), then again three weeks later (4/5—we're avoiding a conflict with Passover, which isn't quite as cool as Purim: as I explained tonight, the No. 1 holiday for Hasidic hookups).

Back to this show. We traveled through a panoply of trivial delights: chastity belts, famous astronomers, Lusophiles, TV geography, and nicknames for syphilis. "Three Degrees of Celebrities" was a great video round, and "I Want Your Sax" was fun for the audio round: You people sure do hate Kenny G. Some good Smart-Ass Points, too; what other ex–married couple have both been nominated for the Best Director Oscar? Roman Polanski and that 13-year-old.

Speaking of immaturity, the Three-Way Finale pitted Sugah Titz vs. Strippers for Stephen Hawking vs. Gerard Depardouche, and John of the Strippers took it in a quick two questions. Perhaps the tie-breaker for second place was anticlimactic, but I am an impulsive creature.

And the standings…

1. Strippers for Stephen Hawking: A return to glory?
2. Sugah Titz
3. Gerard Depardouche
4. Jefferson Davis Starship: Subjects of the premiere "Let's Meet Our Players" segment. We're going to tweak this.
5. Cash Cab for Cutie/We Are Squirreled (tie)
7. Team! The Musical
8. Incontinental House of Pancakes: I kind of wonder how they went from a Congress to a House of Pancakes. Must be an interesting process.
9. Fantastic Fournicators
10. Perfect Strangers Desperately Seeking Anyone

NEXT: Yes, March 15, back at Crash. Stay tuned to the website, Facebook and Twitter for the upcoming schedule. And hey, we're back in Boston April 15, Philadelphia April 27, possibly Hoboken, D.C., and Delaware in the future, more, more, more! Details soon…

This evening's NOT-SO-SECRET SECRET CLUE

Can you feel the excitement! Tonight's NSSSC is…

No ladies allowed?

Make use of that cryptic nugget this evening, 7:30pm, at (Le) Poisson Rouge. It could be the key ingredient that turns a night of scintillating multimedia trivia into a night of scintillating multimedia trivia that earns you money.