Rock Band or Ben and Jerry's Flavor?

Hola! Those of you who've been with the BQT for a long time might recall a game format we don't do much anymore: Stand-Up for Trivia. We get all the players on their feet and play an either-or game; say, "Vice President or Serial Killer?" Hands on your head for VP, hands on your hips for killer, everyone who's wrong sits down, we continue until one player remains, Dick Cheney counted for both (naturally). The kids love it. It's a nifty option for smaller private parties, but a little unwieldy for the massive public-show crowds.

In advance of this Tuesday's big All-Music Edition of the BQT in Philadelphia, I was reminded of "Contemporary Rock Band or Ben & Jerry's Flavor?" (Contemporary, you should know, means a few years ago at this point, though I've updated it a teeny bit.) Answers at the bottom. Rock on/enjoy the sugar!

1. Granola Funk Express
2. From Russia with Buzz
3. Cat Power
4. Hot Chip
5. Brightblack Morning Light
6. Smoosh
7. Tuskegee Chunk
8. Previously on Lost
9. Makin Whoopie Pie
10. Oh Pear
11. Apollo Run
12. Urban Jumble
13. Capecodder
14. The Bird and the Bee
15. Miz Jelena’s Sweet Potato Pie
16. SNAFU
17. Dastardly Mash
18. Monkey Wrench
19. Explosions in the Sky
20. Mastodon
21. Peppermint Cow
22. Holy Cannoli
23. Bovinity Divinity
24. Great Big Sea
25. Sleepytime Gorilla Museum


ANSWERS: 1. Rock band. 2. Ben & Jerry's. 3. Band (actually, one woman, but you get the idea). 4. Band. 5. Band. 6. Band. 7. B&J's. 8. Band. 9. B&J's. 10. B&J's. 11. Band (managed by DJ GB's husband!). 12. B&J's. 13. B&J's. 14. Band. 15. B&J's. 16. B&J's. 17. B&J's. 18. B&J's. 19. Band. 20. Band. 21. B&J's. 22. B&J's. 23. B&J's. 24. Band. 25. Band.

This is real: The Mr. Lower East Side Pageant

Quizfans, as you all know, I am an extremely beautiful human being. Odes have been written to my Adonis-like visage, my perfectly chiseled corporeal form, my bountiful charm. I'm hot stuff, in a word (or two). In fact, I have a history in the hot-stuff business, having twice been a contender in The Mr. Lower East Side Pageant, New York City's No. 1 ironic hipster-doofus male beauty competition. Prior to my quizmaster career, I had a life as a wacky-ass stand-up comedian, and it's under that persona (pictured above) that I competed two years in a row—the first runner-up, in fact, on my second try.

This year's Mr. LES, the 11th annual, is tomorrow night, the 12th. While it does adhere to certain classic pageant tropes—evening wear competition, vacuous Q&A—it's a couple million miles away from Bert Parks/baton-twirling territory (dated references?). First, it's hosted by Saint Reverend Jen, a, shall we say, unique local celebrity I'm rather fond of; second, the winner is determined by the whooping and hollering votes of all women and gay men in attendance. And third, the one-minute talent portion defies basic description: One year, I stood in a plastic bucket and poured various strange items down my pants (laundry detergent: among the worst ideas of my life); the next I did a condensed puppet-show reenactment of Say Anything. Man, I forgot how weird I used to be.

And what happens if you win? Allow me to quote Rev Jen herself: "The new monarch will receive a crown, which comes complete with a detachable bong along with a slice of pizza from Rosario’s, a six-pack of Budweiser, and the knowledge that he has been chosen by the people. Runner-up will receive the dubious honor of Mr.
Tribeca, and will get to wear a smaller vagina-shaped crown throughout the year. There will also be prizes given for 'best male tits,' 'congeniality' and 'best nutsack.'" Congeniality—crazy. I will say, though, that the winner finds himself with some actual responsibility, having to maintain a solid presence on the downtown underground performance scene. But having done that with no royal standing myself for several years, I can tell you there are far, far worse fates.

Get more details here: It's at the Bowery Poetry Club tomorrow, 10pm, $7. Arrive at 9:45, ladies and light-loafered men, if you want to get in on the judging action.