Seven Republican Presidential Candidates in Order of Physical Attractiveness

I'm watching CNN's Republican presidential debate online (missed it live last Monday night, because we were having a quiz party, dontcha know), and man, it's my brain is falling asleep. I'm usually a regular American sucker for this political horse race stuff, but these people are laaaame. Here's where my mind is drifting…

Seven Republican Presidential Candidates in Order of Physical Attractiveness

A very necessary disclaimer: I'm a Democrat. I'm not going to vote for any these people under any circumstances, probably ever, no matter what will ever or could ever possibly happen in this world or any alternate dimension that might ever exist. Okay?

1. Mitt Romney. I gotta say, the fellow looks good. He's a big ol' tissue-thin phony, but he's been blessed with those good genes, I suppose. Even my mom—a Republican-hater of the first order who exits the house, turns around three times, and spits every time she mentions the name George W. Bush—has told me on multiple occasions that Mitt's a very handsome man. I can recall a magazine cover from the 2008 election that declared Romney "looks like a President," which kind of confused me. What does it mean to "look like a President"? His face is made of rock found in South Dakota? It has a greenish-gray tinge? He's played by James Cromwell?

2. Michele Bachmann. Well, she's a little old for me—and oh yeah, she's completely around-the-bend batshit loony—but she's actually sort of hot. Crazy hot. Emphasis on crazy, but the heat remains. Kind of, sort of, maybe. Anyway, I think I'd pick her over Palin on the fuckability scale. (She's probably less infuriating to have a conversation with, too. Seems more fun-loving and less self-involved. Recall that more and less are relative terms.) Also, in this photo of her family, she's sitting on her husband's lap, which is undeniably cute and makes me think he might be a lucky man.

3. Rick Santorum. Like Bachmann, he has that vacantly creepy look of religious insanity in his eyes. He sort of looks like a demented Tin Woodsman. Still, he possesses a boyish handsomeness that's hard to deny, wouldn't you say so, Dan Savage? (I wonder if a hate fuck was ever fantasized about…) I'm not going to research, but I imagine Santorum is quite the poster boy among monomaniacal teenage Bible thumpers.

4. Herman Cain. Not naturally handsome, but a well put-together fellow, and elegant of bearing. God, I hate these dime-a-dozen businessmen who think they know how to run the country. But Cain looks a lot less egomaniacally hateful than he acts, so there's that. Also, the guy ran Godfather's Pizza, and that place kept me alive through many an all-you-can-eat-Mondays during college. Open a Godfather's on the Upper West Side, Herman, and I just may vote for you. (Except there's no way I ever will.)

5. Ron Paul. During the '08 election, when Ron Paul Fever inexplicably felled even a whole mess of liberals who didn't realize they hated him, I thought Paul was a decent-looking fellow. Elfin, to be sure, but in a beguiling way—the happy libertarian leprechaun who grants the fortunate a pot of states'-rights gold. But it's four years later, and his age is really starting to show (he's 75 now), so the elfin-ness is evolving (or perhaps degenerating) into a more troll-like look. Hiding under America's bridge and harassing billy goats into discussing foreign debt. Not good.

6. Newt Gingrich. I can't top Stephen Colbert, who said Gingrich looks like a snowman come to life. I will only add that it appears as if the snowman is starting to melt. Thumpity thump thump, look at Frosty make an utter jackass of himself.




7. Tim Pawlenty. A ferret-faced walking wimp, a pile of dirty laundry encased in a suit. This sad, pathetic-looking little man, whose face is apparently made of a stretched-out beanbag found in a shag-carpeted basement rec room, wants to be President of the United States, and thinks he actually has something resembling a shot. It would be cute if it weren't such a complete waste of time, money, energy and political capital. He looks like Al Pacino had a baby with the Grinch. I really don't care for this guy.

By the way, I realize that there are other candidates who were not present at this debate: We've got Gary Johnson, the libertarian former governor of New Mexico, who sort of reminds me of the intimidating father of your high-school girlfriend who really wasn't so bad once you talked to him (just imagine if he were running for President, though). And Jon Huntsman, former governor of Utah and ambassador to China, who should probably be near the top of this list; he was no doubt a real babe as a young Mormon missionary, but has since evolved into an ersatz Mister Rogers. (A hero of mine, but no dreamboat.) Plus, there's a bunch of lunatics. You know, even more crazy than the people above.

Good luck, President Obama!